i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
so much tequila, so little girl.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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