I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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