meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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