Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
