If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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