you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
