that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
