I need to stop coming to work sober
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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