I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
time to smoke my breakfast
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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