Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Drunk is not a location!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
