I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
