someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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