trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
