i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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