I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
