god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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