So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
