so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Still dying that you shit outside
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
