My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
