I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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