Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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