i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
