She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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