it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
