just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
