my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
