respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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