I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
