suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just pee around me
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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