What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
