So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
