Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
