My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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