I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You are a genius and a whore.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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