good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
