ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
