we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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