so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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