brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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