The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
