Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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