arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
