Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
