I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
