Non-Jews are for practice
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
