If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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