In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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