based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
The air taste purple.
Randomize
