you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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