the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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