Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
