AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
