She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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