Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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