doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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