When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
