Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
