Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
